Second third and fourth times

If sex is a chore then ask yourself with as much honesty as you can muster, 'why?'

Are you so tired that the idea of having sex regularly means less sleep.
Are you avoiding sex because you haven’t been enjoying it?
Are you in love with a film star?
Are you more worried about the state of it?
Are you scared?
ADD YOUR OWN

Once you have figured out why then you can address it. Chances are if you are reading this blog you are a teeny weenie bit interested in developing your sex life and so back to basics. Sex doesn’t have to be about sticking it in. Be clear about what you want, if sleep is the ultimate pleasure at the moment then consider giving him/her (you get the idea of the him her)  or her a five or ten minute massage and then let him reciprocate with a half hour one at the end of which he should be so knackered that you both fall into a blissful sleep. A cuddle in the kitchen while you let him wash up will help you develop your affection for one another and this is key to eventually wanting to heading toward a healthy sex life together. It’s very easy to think that you must provide sexually and consequently feel the burden of doing so. If you feel like you want to ‘fix’ this problem then start with affection. Tell him you love him, and try doing at a time when either he doesn’t normally hear it or in an email while you are both sitting on the sofa. Hold hands when you take your baby out for a walk. Pinch his bum when he bends over to pick your little one up. Give him a kiss as he steps out of the shower. These small gestures are so easy to miss and they slip away. With all your attention being focused so acutely on the new arrival you are just like everyone else in this neglect of yourself and him.

Having a baby can highlight a number of issues and difficulties within a relationship; the differences that used to make you smile now have much further reaching consequences. Like the fact that you are an atheist and he is happy to talk to anyone who comes to the door about god suddenly means something more. You’ve probably have discussions about how you’ll bring your child up but you didn’t know that ‘crying it out’ would cause so much friction and the knock on effect is that you aren’t sure of your feelings towards him anymore. Don’t let this turn into the only way you see him, after all if you can be positive about this then the differences between you two will ultimately make your child understand tolerance and will be able to make up their own mind; you’ll have created a independent person. When things get really bad find a way to talk about it to someone. If you haven’t got a network of mums to support you then try joining a group or two. There are so many forums out there and it could be that all you need is a good moan and to hear that you are not the only one, you certainly aren’t. You are tired, full of emotions that are new and faced with a massive responsibility that should be making you feel a bit unsettled. Something has to give and it makes sense that the man you created this little life with will bear some, if not all of the brunt. He does deserve a little sympathy, it’s all new for him too, even if he has had children with someone before this is the first time with you and that’s the relationship you are both committed to.