You took your own life
Others have been taken
I'm missing you in a way no one else can. Because what we had was just ours.
Friday, 31 July 2026
Tuesday, 21 July 2026
the first time I knew men could hurt me while smiling
Like all memories from so young this is more a flash of feeling and a sense of the moments than a clear cut memory. I see an old picture of me when I think of my face then, but my hair in my memory is lighter and I, with my round face, am more of me. He was my auntie's husband. He would ask for a kiss and would deliberately rub his face on mine and his hard, unkind beard bristles would scratch. I would try to wriggle away quickly and he would laugh. This didn't happen often because we lived a long car journey away and then he divorced my aunt. I know I never felt safe around him and I'm glad he wasn't in my life. My mum didn't feel safe around him either, she has never said those exact words but I know.
The next more vivid memory of a smiling male face was painted as dirty yet innocent behaviour by the adults around us. At school, I would have been younger than 7, he was the same age, the boy who got out his willy and waved it around in the classroom. We all were delightfully disgusted. I knew what it was, my mum was ahead of the curve on using the correct names and I knew it was a penis.
At hospital, pre pubescent me had a male Dr lift my knickers up with one finger - no pubic hair - that was the check. He didn't ask, he just looked.
I remember being that young and being called a flirt. I have told myself ever since that I am one. I have been scolded for being one and admired. Boys began to like me at secondary school for being a girl. I was asked out, I was frigid.
My brothers best friend, who I adored lifting me onto his back for a piggy back around the blue room, standing in a doorway chatting to my parents as he used his thumbs to rub hard at my covered and yet widely spread labia and body. The doubt in my mind and the horror of it being real all as I stayed as still as possible. His cure for consent I later discovered.
I was taught by all around me that being pretty was good but being attractive was better. I longed to be attractive, I was mostly pretty. And then I got boobs. More men wanted me and more comments were made. Male teachers made me overly aware of my own skin. One asking 'as a joke' if he could nibble my ear. One art teacher, me and him alone in the dark room, telling me he found it hard to control himself around me. He had left a previous wife for a now ex-pupil. The PE teacher spending too long lingering near us. And the science teacher announcing to the class, she is top heavy, while smirking to the assembled boys, we were measuring centre of gravity. It was not a scientific term for teenage girls in you care.
Another male medical technician asking me to remove my bra - alone and frightened I did - I didn't need to. And a few years latter a horrid test - venus sampling, shaving me, no cover or protection, just the hard shoving of a tube to the side of my groin that wouldn't behave and the pain ignored, the humiliation of people walking in and out tolerated while I lay, exposed. My mother banished outside.
The party where I wanted to be seen as boobs. It oddly I realise now, felt safer then. In some kind of control, giving my permission to be a chest on legs.
The men who grabbed each arm and held me while their friend pushed his face between my breasts and all laughed whole heartedly. The nights out were full of small gropes and hands. I took charge then in this space and kissed almost anyone who showed a passing interest.
The boyfriend who gifted me a lemon, a bottle of tonic and a bottle of gin for my 17th birthday and told me to drink it before he arrived. He ran me a warm bath, asked me to undress and sit in it. I did, he did not, no romance, just demands. He lifted me onto his lap, his erect penis, the blood down my leg warmer than my now cold skin, his clothed body moving me. My virginity leaving me with each thrust. And then our secret - dangerous public sex, often and always after drink. My performances. Until he left, 5 years my senior and the one who told me he'd touched me all those years ago because he loved me.
The man in the park flashing me and the man on the tube, pulling his penis out of the bottom of his shorts leg and grinning as I looked. The fear of being followed many times. The leers of strangers.
The male nurse after the birth of my daughter, sweeping his hand inside me and remarking it was routine as I squeeze my thighs together to stop him, he had not asked, assumed perhaps.
The two male members of staff - both my line managers, both at very different times in my life, chucking my cheek in a pretend paternal way. Touching me without consent or any plausible cause, they just could.
As a mother, being shouted at you sexy mother fucker as I held her hand crossing my own road. It stood out because she heard, not because it was the first catcall - of those I lost count years before.
A colleague getting me so insanely drunk I began to pour my drinks on the floor to avoid more, his persistence hard to escape and then his offer to walk me home that turned into a grope and attempted kiss, in which I bent double to avoid and then his rage and silence. Me the tease.
Another Dr, I generously think he was trying to to be helpful taking out my catheter without any real warning.
I didn't report any of these to anyone in authority, except the penis on the train and for that the male officer laughed at my description, and I laughed too, what else can you do? Mostly other women have heard, some when we have been sharing our tales of men, some when they have asked, some when I have needed it. These the ones I have a clear memory of. These ones that have stuck and made me feel ashamed at times, guilty at others, fearful always despite trying so hard not to be afraid.
My daughter has reported some of hers. Not much has happened as as a result but at least they are recorded, crimes. And for all the ones she told me about I have been able to be there for her.
I was unable to sleep last night as some of these memories felt like they were haunting me and so I've written them here in a semi private place. I know I have blamed myself for some of these, and been blamed for some. Most sadly by women, who know how to keep themselves safe.
Saturday, 12 August 2023
if he could see me new
Then maybe
We didn't do this with any genuine knowledge of how long always was.
We've been able to stick to it.
I don't always love him.
He doesn't always love me.
He didn't see me this evening.
It shouldn't matter. But g it did.
Saturday, 22 August 2015
Maybe just some kissing
If you are lucky enough to have started your physical relationship slowly then maybe the best thing to do is go old school.
You'll both be permanently knackered and any chance you get all you'll want to do it lie on the sofa and watch mindless TV. So try just kissing, explain that this is all it will be and just kiss, hold each other and do nothing else.
It's sensual and lovely and as long as you both know that's all it is going to be then why not just enjoy that.
Once you have done this and fallen asleep in the glow of tingly lips and legs squashed together you'll want to do a little but more.
You'll both be permanently knackered and any chance you get all you'll want to do it lie on the sofa and watch mindless TV. So try just kissing, explain that this is all it will be and just kiss, hold each other and do nothing else.
It's sensual and lovely and as long as you both know that's all it is going to be then why not just enjoy that.
Once you have done this and fallen asleep in the glow of tingly lips and legs squashed together you'll want to do a little but more.
Friday, 2 January 2009
Why Bother with Sex, You’ve Got a baby Now.
Sex should be a passtime you enjoy and feel is worth your while and if he’s lucky your partner will too. So we should preface this all with; don’t let yourself be pressured by anyone, including us into having sex before you are ready. It’s also important that you don’t let this issue become all consuming. In fact it is entirely possible that you should put this book down, go and find something else to read, have you searched through all the books showing you the almost endless possibilities of puréed fruit that are out there for when your tiny weenie bundle of joy starts eating solid food? Or go for a good long walk or better sill get a bar of galaxy and enjoy this as it will release the same level of endorphins sex does without and mess or fear. But if you do want a little of what you fancy but are unsure of what to expect read on. We don’t promise a fully medically approved, answers all your questions, guide because that just isn’t possible. If you feel that this blog doesn’t help then talk to a friend or perhaps join a mums group, through organisations like The NCT (National Childcare Trust) or maybe visit a website like Netmums and see if you can find a few like minded women to talk with about this private but mutually shared worry. What ever you do don’t let the fear or worry of it stop you from having a go. A good sex life shouldn’t disappear completely because you had a baby. Things have changed in your life, for some people their lives are almost unrecognisable so you can sit back and let this change affect everything for better or for worse. You are in control. This book is aimed to give a few common sense ideas to how to get back into the saddle, one too many euphemism and perhaps just that bit of reassurance that you are not alone and just to be sure you can have a bit of a giggle too we have thrown in a few ideas of how you can do it.
Loads of people have babies
If you want reassurance that’s its not just you who’s worried just google “sex after childbirth” to see that even if everyone’s not talking about it their definitely thinking about it. Men , on the whole, feel a bit rejected and women, again on the whole, feel a bit well, frigid. Ever felt like you lost your virginity to the wrong man? Well seems like most people feel as nervous as they did the first time round so here’s your chance to get it right!
The same sorts of questions you were asking in your early teens have all of a sudden become relevant again
Will it hurt?
What position will be best?
Shall I wait for him to take the lead?
The answers are the same now as they were then, it will be different for everybody, but you need to make sure it feels right for you.
The same sorts of questions you were asking in your early teens have all of a sudden become relevant again
Will it hurt?
What position will be best?
Shall I wait for him to take the lead?
The answers are the same now as they were then, it will be different for everybody, but you need to make sure it feels right for you.
Start with yourself.
You have gone through the birth and the first few deliriously happy and horrifying moments of parenthood and even though you've got maternity pads, breast pads, the muslins and the nice nightie to wear over night if you have had to stay in, you didn’t realise that the mother of all periods was going to come. And this comes no matter what type of birth you’ve had so along with sore bits and swollen boobs you have that massive pad between you legs soaking up what’s left behind. Lovely.
Sex will be the last thing on your mind and with the maddening onset of night feeds and paranoia that your baby isn’t breathing your partner isn’t likely to be thinking about sex either. But when you do there may be some fears and worries and of course that is completely natural. You are normal.
So where do you start? If you are a woman who knows her self-back to front and have charted the changes your body has taken with scientific accuracy then you will know when you are ready to jump back in the sack. For many new mums it has all been a bit of a whirl and you haven’t been thinking about yourself very much at all. Before you decide to let the love of your life (probably the father of your child but not necessarily) into your secret garden you may feel you need to remind yourself what’s going on down there. With a huge bump on the front for the last memorable months you may not have even remember what it looks like and with all the yummy mummy intentions of going to a beauty salon to get a short back and sides to clearly out the window with the onslaught of aunties and other close relative wanting a peek at your adorable new arrival you may need to give yourself a little trim with that old pair of hair dressing scissors you took from your mums when you left or even the kitchen scissors, just give em a wipe no one will know. If your man has a beard trimmer we recommend this as a quick solution too, don’t set it too low otherwise you will look a little odd and it’ll be too scratchy and importantly don’t tell him; for some reason they can be a bit touchy about the idea of you using it on your beard! You could even have a go at waxing the edges or the trusty razor. Why bother? Because if you feel that you are in control of the packaging it may add to your confidence level and for the first time post birth confidence is necessary. To look or not look. There have been some major events down there and it’s bound to have taken its toll. You may have never looked before and so why start now.
Masturbation is a good way of finding out if you are ready for penetrative sex. If you have never tried this either then you deserve and owe it to yourself to try. You may have squeezed a bay out of there but the resilience means that now the idea of a penis brings tears to your eyes, even with a smaller than average one. So try with a finger, have a tentative touch and help yourself to relax about the possibility. Part of the issue here is, as with all teaching situations you’ll be better at imparting your knowledge if you have some experience yourself. Masturbation is another confidence builder; it helps you to understand what you are going to enjoy, when too much will be too much and remind you why sex is fun. Some women find that using their fingers is the best way other just can’t quite get rid of the why am we doing it to myself sensation. Either way why not get yourself a vibrator. Personally we don’t like the rabbit, it puts me off but some women swear by them. we would recommend a plain, slim variable speed variety that you can start off slowly with and build up to your climax with it. The smooth ones are also less likely to catch on you in anyway. You can also use it simply on your clitoris until you climax and it’s a good size to gently slide into yourself when you feel ready. This will help you gage if you are ready to accommodate the real thing. As we discuss later, lubricant is a good plan while your experimenting here. Although quite an obvious point avoid lubricants that have any perfume or spermicide in them for now as your skin is still likely to be very sensitive. If you don’t feel like you are the go it alone type the use it with your partner, let him help you try things out. We bet it turns him on. And if it does turn into a full on session and he has had as little personal time as you have had your first go at ‘relations’ will probably be over quite quickly so this way you both get to climax and if you’ve build up enough courage to have a go you want to reach the finishing line, don’t you.
After the initial miracle, and the elation it brings, you’ll take off those rose tinted spectacles and look in the mirror with horror! You’ll probably think you look like something out of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ with sags, bags, aches and unidentifiable body pieces everywhere you look. If you’re thinking “blimey, it’s not quite that bad!” then, congratulations, you have positive mental attitude! So first things first some ideas to tap into your inner feline
Get smooth – if like most of us being pampered means 30min in the bath, spend those 30min with a warm bath, add some moisturising bath soak.
Sex will be the last thing on your mind and with the maddening onset of night feeds and paranoia that your baby isn’t breathing your partner isn’t likely to be thinking about sex either. But when you do there may be some fears and worries and of course that is completely natural. You are normal.
So where do you start? If you are a woman who knows her self-back to front and have charted the changes your body has taken with scientific accuracy then you will know when you are ready to jump back in the sack. For many new mums it has all been a bit of a whirl and you haven’t been thinking about yourself very much at all. Before you decide to let the love of your life (probably the father of your child but not necessarily) into your secret garden you may feel you need to remind yourself what’s going on down there. With a huge bump on the front for the last memorable months you may not have even remember what it looks like and with all the yummy mummy intentions of going to a beauty salon to get a short back and sides to clearly out the window with the onslaught of aunties and other close relative wanting a peek at your adorable new arrival you may need to give yourself a little trim with that old pair of hair dressing scissors you took from your mums when you left or even the kitchen scissors, just give em a wipe no one will know. If your man has a beard trimmer we recommend this as a quick solution too, don’t set it too low otherwise you will look a little odd and it’ll be too scratchy and importantly don’t tell him; for some reason they can be a bit touchy about the idea of you using it on your beard! You could even have a go at waxing the edges or the trusty razor. Why bother? Because if you feel that you are in control of the packaging it may add to your confidence level and for the first time post birth confidence is necessary. To look or not look. There have been some major events down there and it’s bound to have taken its toll. You may have never looked before and so why start now.
Masturbation is a good way of finding out if you are ready for penetrative sex. If you have never tried this either then you deserve and owe it to yourself to try. You may have squeezed a bay out of there but the resilience means that now the idea of a penis brings tears to your eyes, even with a smaller than average one. So try with a finger, have a tentative touch and help yourself to relax about the possibility. Part of the issue here is, as with all teaching situations you’ll be better at imparting your knowledge if you have some experience yourself. Masturbation is another confidence builder; it helps you to understand what you are going to enjoy, when too much will be too much and remind you why sex is fun. Some women find that using their fingers is the best way other just can’t quite get rid of the why am we doing it to myself sensation. Either way why not get yourself a vibrator. Personally we don’t like the rabbit, it puts me off but some women swear by them. we would recommend a plain, slim variable speed variety that you can start off slowly with and build up to your climax with it. The smooth ones are also less likely to catch on you in anyway. You can also use it simply on your clitoris until you climax and it’s a good size to gently slide into yourself when you feel ready. This will help you gage if you are ready to accommodate the real thing. As we discuss later, lubricant is a good plan while your experimenting here. Although quite an obvious point avoid lubricants that have any perfume or spermicide in them for now as your skin is still likely to be very sensitive. If you don’t feel like you are the go it alone type the use it with your partner, let him help you try things out. We bet it turns him on. And if it does turn into a full on session and he has had as little personal time as you have had your first go at ‘relations’ will probably be over quite quickly so this way you both get to climax and if you’ve build up enough courage to have a go you want to reach the finishing line, don’t you.
After the initial miracle, and the elation it brings, you’ll take off those rose tinted spectacles and look in the mirror with horror! You’ll probably think you look like something out of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ with sags, bags, aches and unidentifiable body pieces everywhere you look. If you’re thinking “blimey, it’s not quite that bad!” then, congratulations, you have positive mental attitude! So first things first some ideas to tap into your inner feline
Get smooth – if like most of us being pampered means 30min in the bath, spend those 30min with a warm bath, add some moisturising bath soak.
Which Way Did It Come Out?
Along with your emotional state, how demanding a baby you have and many other factors possibly the most significant question in deciding when you plan to have sex again is what type of birth you had.
This will effect how soon it will be for you to be ready to have penetrative sex again.
The two main categories with this are, vaginal and caesarean.
With vaginal it is all about the damage done, no getting away from it you had a trauma down there and as most midwives will tell you it isn't something you want to look at for a while let alone fell sexy about.
Again, if it isn't healing and doesn't feel right then you need to ask for professional help, don't suffer in silence.
With c-section you need to remember you had major surgery and you have to give your body time to heal in the abdominal area. No heavy lifting will include the crunches that go with sex.
Ask you midwife or doctor about time scale if in doubt.
This will effect how soon it will be for you to be ready to have penetrative sex again.
The two main categories with this are, vaginal and caesarean.
With vaginal it is all about the damage done, no getting away from it you had a trauma down there and as most midwives will tell you it isn't something you want to look at for a while let alone fell sexy about.
Again, if it isn't healing and doesn't feel right then you need to ask for professional help, don't suffer in silence.
With c-section you need to remember you had major surgery and you have to give your body time to heal in the abdominal area. No heavy lifting will include the crunches that go with sex.
Ask you midwife or doctor about time scale if in doubt.
Caesarean Birth
If you were able to have a planned or emergency c-section then the first thing to remember is that you have had a major operation. You are advice to avoid strenuous exercise (which includes ironing) and depending on how rigorous you intend to be it would be worth considering waiting at least that long. If you are at all unsure you should get a check up from your GP or Obstetrician.
If it was planned and you have a neat scar to show for it and no other complications then you will be aware that this area is quite delicate. You have multi-layers of stitches as they have had to sew up your womb, layers of muscle and your skin. Once the stitches have been removed the scare may be tender and itchy. You may have been advised to wear a support to help those muscles mend. You need to be aware of what you are capable of; some yoga positions that you used to perform for your lover may be out of the question for a while.
If it was planned and you have a neat scar to show for it and no other complications then you will be aware that this area is quite delicate. You have multi-layers of stitches as they have had to sew up your womb, layers of muscle and your skin. Once the stitches have been removed the scare may be tender and itchy. You may have been advised to wear a support to help those muscles mend. You need to be aware of what you are capable of; some yoga positions that you used to perform for your lover may be out of the question for a while.
Vaginal Birth
Many women have to have a stitch or two and even though you probably didn’t notice at the time these will have begun to sting as various times. Your Loci, (the god awful period) may last as long as the dissolveable stitches so by the time it stops you’ve healed up nicely and your six week check reveals that all is right with the world.
Episiotomy, stings even thinking about it but this is a challenge for you to …
Shoulder distosia, a 11lb plus baby, breach that they didn’t know about, broken pelvis… the horror stories stay in your mind. If you have been unfortunate enough to be the women who makes all the other women in the postnatal group close their eyes and thank god they aren’t you then you of course have a very real fear of your next sexual encounter.
Which ever way you gave birth you may be wondering what the average time is in getting your groove back on, well the average amount of time most couples wait before having sex after the birth of their first child is… not telling. If you are desperate to know you can find several different answers from the Internet and books and This Morning. Ignore them, what is important is that the time is right for you, both, needless to say that if you are bonking away before your baby is a month old you are well ahead of schedule. Needless to say we spoke to one woman who had sex one week after the birth and it was fine and we know of several more who had to wait longer than six months before they were even allowed to try for medical reasons.
Episiotomy, stings even thinking about it but this is a challenge for you to …
Shoulder distosia, a 11lb plus baby, breach that they didn’t know about, broken pelvis… the horror stories stay in your mind. If you have been unfortunate enough to be the women who makes all the other women in the postnatal group close their eyes and thank god they aren’t you then you of course have a very real fear of your next sexual encounter.
Which ever way you gave birth you may be wondering what the average time is in getting your groove back on, well the average amount of time most couples wait before having sex after the birth of their first child is… not telling. If you are desperate to know you can find several different answers from the Internet and books and This Morning. Ignore them, what is important is that the time is right for you, both, needless to say that if you are bonking away before your baby is a month old you are well ahead of schedule. Needless to say we spoke to one woman who had sex one week after the birth and it was fine and we know of several more who had to wait longer than six months before they were even allowed to try for medical reasons.
How To Feel Sexy
A lot harder said than done; with no chance of getting in the shower with baby spit and more than likely some sick too on your shoulder and down your back, a baggy pair of maternity pants on with breast so heavy they feel like they really are melons.
It is even worse if you have, like so many of us, have fallen for the celebrity mums propaganda that you could get your body back to normal (or even better than before) within weeks. We had a real shock when we still looked a good six months pregnant afterwards and four weeks later it still wasn’t much better. The baby had gone but we was left with a wobbly blob. we was fortunate enough to love my pregnant body but when the baby was out we really didn’t.
I craved being pregnant again so that we could feel proud and in love with myself again. Your body has changed and is going to take time and a bit of effort to get back to how it used to be, Mother Nature didn’t make it too easy either. The type of food you are likely to be able to eat over the first few months is fast and grabable from a fridge, usually full of fat. The skin around your middle will inevitably wobble a bit and instead of feeling sexy and desirable you feel haggard, tired, and lots more besides. So how do you feel attractive enough?
Cover up, there is no rule to say you have to strip naked to make love or initiate a quick fumble. The challenge here is to get him to keep his hands from ripping your clothes off you, let him explore underneath your top if you want or on top of them guide him to where you feel comfortable. This in itself can be an alluring way to keep him coming back for more. You could keep your bra on too help you feel supported and a little more buxom rather than saggy and floppy. A lot of men enjoy the air of mystery that this creates. Still feeling a sight for sore eyes? Turn the main light off and put a less powerful side lamp on to create a little soft lighting resulting in a more romantic atmosphere.
If you can afford it treat yourself to some new underwear that isn't for breast feeding or practical purposes. Perhaps a lovely set that covers you up, PJs or a teddie.
If you think that you may be able to plan a night, afternoon, morning or five minutes of passion then you might be able to dig out something that still fits and makes you feel good. As irritating as it is, it may be that you put on a maternity top, as it will cover up your left over bump and perhaps a pair of sexy knickers to finish the look. Boobs have gone through some changes too, they could be bigger than before but with that you may have experienced more veins and stretch marks. Nursing bras do nothing for sexiness
Feeling sexy is a mindset as much as anything else. You may be getting ready to live off statutory maternity pay and have spent more money than makes sense on baby grow or nursing bras but you deserve to treat yourself too, you have just brought a new life into the world, you are amazing and going out to get something that makes you feel good is not an expense too far and we strongly suspect that your partner will appreciate you spending a few pounds if it means he gets some treats as a result. Depending how much support you have will depend on how much time you can get for yourself. All the books say it but if you get the opportunity to take some time for yourself you should. Even if it is just ten minutes take the chance to do any or all of the following; have a good shower or even batter a long soak in the tub, shave, wax, get your face scrub out, slap on a bit of make up, paint your toe nails, moisturise your whole body, get out of the house, read a non-baby book, do a bit of gardening, play a bit of online poker. It may feel strange to think about yourself or completely natural but not wrong. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after your baby well.
It is even worse if you have, like so many of us, have fallen for the celebrity mums propaganda that you could get your body back to normal (or even better than before) within weeks. We had a real shock when we still looked a good six months pregnant afterwards and four weeks later it still wasn’t much better. The baby had gone but we was left with a wobbly blob. we was fortunate enough to love my pregnant body but when the baby was out we really didn’t.
I craved being pregnant again so that we could feel proud and in love with myself again. Your body has changed and is going to take time and a bit of effort to get back to how it used to be, Mother Nature didn’t make it too easy either. The type of food you are likely to be able to eat over the first few months is fast and grabable from a fridge, usually full of fat. The skin around your middle will inevitably wobble a bit and instead of feeling sexy and desirable you feel haggard, tired, and lots more besides. So how do you feel attractive enough?
Cover up, there is no rule to say you have to strip naked to make love or initiate a quick fumble. The challenge here is to get him to keep his hands from ripping your clothes off you, let him explore underneath your top if you want or on top of them guide him to where you feel comfortable. This in itself can be an alluring way to keep him coming back for more. You could keep your bra on too help you feel supported and a little more buxom rather than saggy and floppy. A lot of men enjoy the air of mystery that this creates. Still feeling a sight for sore eyes? Turn the main light off and put a less powerful side lamp on to create a little soft lighting resulting in a more romantic atmosphere.
If you can afford it treat yourself to some new underwear that isn't for breast feeding or practical purposes. Perhaps a lovely set that covers you up, PJs or a teddie.
If you think that you may be able to plan a night, afternoon, morning or five minutes of passion then you might be able to dig out something that still fits and makes you feel good. As irritating as it is, it may be that you put on a maternity top, as it will cover up your left over bump and perhaps a pair of sexy knickers to finish the look. Boobs have gone through some changes too, they could be bigger than before but with that you may have experienced more veins and stretch marks. Nursing bras do nothing for sexiness
Feeling sexy is a mindset as much as anything else. You may be getting ready to live off statutory maternity pay and have spent more money than makes sense on baby grow or nursing bras but you deserve to treat yourself too, you have just brought a new life into the world, you are amazing and going out to get something that makes you feel good is not an expense too far and we strongly suspect that your partner will appreciate you spending a few pounds if it means he gets some treats as a result. Depending how much support you have will depend on how much time you can get for yourself. All the books say it but if you get the opportunity to take some time for yourself you should. Even if it is just ten minutes take the chance to do any or all of the following; have a good shower or even batter a long soak in the tub, shave, wax, get your face scrub out, slap on a bit of make up, paint your toe nails, moisturise your whole body, get out of the house, read a non-baby book, do a bit of gardening, play a bit of online poker. It may feel strange to think about yourself or completely natural but not wrong. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after your baby well.
When to do it and where - sex that is
You are both in the mood, that coy glance has passed between you the baby is fast asleep, problem is she is lying just next to your partner and is still attached to her breast. You know what, this is common. You’re not an odd or a sick couple because you are finding each other sexually attractive at this moment in time. You have several choices. Ignore your urges, try to roll the baby off and carefully place them in a crib or pram or roll yourselves away and place enough cushions and pillows around so there is no possible way they could, the heat of the moment, find yourselves anywhere dangerous.
Or
The baby is in the same room as you and is fast asleep but you know it won’t take much for him to wake but you shouldn’t let it stop you.
After the advised six months there is something to be said for getting your baby in its own room. You get a bit of your own space back; you can enjoy your own bed and the chance at a less than silent session. But if you can’t bring yourself to move them and the baby is in room you can go in theirs, depending on size or there is the lounge, bathroom, in fact any place where you feel comfortable or perhaps uncomfortable. You may just have the chance of reliving those frantic moments of passion you once had where nowhere was out of bounds. Once more children of various ages come into the equation this will become increasingly difficult so enjoy this freedom while you can.
And dads, as much as ego dictates it won’t be easy for your partner to have an orgasm. She will be feeling anxious about the act and may not be able to emotionally engage when compared to your sex life before the baby. She might come as you do and this moment will be an idyllic reminder of days gone by but don’t be offended if she doesn’t.
you could always get a baby sitter, relative to take the baby for a long walk.
Or
The baby is in the same room as you and is fast asleep but you know it won’t take much for him to wake but you shouldn’t let it stop you.
After the advised six months there is something to be said for getting your baby in its own room. You get a bit of your own space back; you can enjoy your own bed and the chance at a less than silent session. But if you can’t bring yourself to move them and the baby is in room you can go in theirs, depending on size or there is the lounge, bathroom, in fact any place where you feel comfortable or perhaps uncomfortable. You may just have the chance of reliving those frantic moments of passion you once had where nowhere was out of bounds. Once more children of various ages come into the equation this will become increasingly difficult so enjoy this freedom while you can.
And dads, as much as ego dictates it won’t be easy for your partner to have an orgasm. She will be feeling anxious about the act and may not be able to emotionally engage when compared to your sex life before the baby. She might come as you do and this moment will be an idyllic reminder of days gone by but don’t be offended if she doesn’t.
you could always get a baby sitter, relative to take the baby for a long walk.
What if he doesn’t want it?
Avoid telling him how ugly and saggy and milk machine etc. you feel just before you plan to seduce him. You probably do feel terrible but he doesn’t need reminding of it. He may be scared of hurting you, you’ll have to reassure him that you’ll be honest and take it slow. He may feel that he is too tired to try and the you might try to give him a massage, neck rub, if he falls asleep the you’ll have given him what he wanted and if it leads to something more then you’ll have given him what he wanted. Perhaps he needs to see you as someone other than a mother again. You may not be a couple that talks about sex a lot but if you suspect he looks at you just as mother then do a bit of reminiscing. Probably best not to launch straight into ‘ do you remember that rime we shagged up against your full length mirror in your flat in Hull.’ But remind him of what was happening before that, and let his mind wander to the mirror episode. If you do talk about sex then go for it, verbally reminding yourselves of the good times and it may even be worth reminding yourselves of a few bad times too, laugh about them of you can.
Lets Get Stuck In
Both of you want to enjoy each other again but should you really expect full penetrative sex as soon as the horn hits. Have you considered sex without penetration, this is the perfect time to get him to do Some of those things that may have been missing for both of you in either the, we’ve been together so long we know how to do it blindfold, except it’s never been that experimental or we are making a baby, I’m ovulating go go go.
When you do decide that it is time to go all the way then there are products out there to make it easier. Lubricant helps because it allows him to slide in and avoid any areas that are still healing to be protected a little. There are some more sensual products too. Don’t forget that if you are using condoms then oil-based lubricants will weaken the latex and reduce their effectiveness (unless they say otherwise) and you are more fertile so unless you want to take the risk, stick to purpose made lubricants. Liquid Silk is excellent and Durex make a good range too. Their Heat doesn’t seem to do much of anything heat wise but if you are sensitive this may not be the best one to start with. There is the old favourite KY but it lacks the sex appeal of others. The cheapest lubricant that is in ready supply is saliva. Saliva can be acidic and so if you are still a bit raw than you might want to avoid this until you are sure it won’t irritate, similarly if you aren’t concerned by the issue of oil based lubricants then don’t forget that perfumed lubricants like some massage oils may also irritate. There may well be cuts that you don’t know about further inside you and these may be irritated when you first try. Many women are much dryer after too so if you are feeling very dry then it might be worth discussing oestrogen cream with your GP. This is sometimes use by women who have been on HRT as it can help when there is a prolonged hormone issue. If it makes you more comfortable then it is worth a visit.
Will it hurt? Probably. No matter which way you gave birth you have probably not had sex for a while and you may well be tense, these combined with the physical trauma you have experienced will mean that you are tender and more delicate. Many women find that they are dryer than before, once again lubricants are not just fun but in these circumstances necessary for you to be able to relax and enjoy the experience. If it is painful you are allowed to say stop, slow down, get out and let’s try it another way. Don’t carry on because you feel any obligation. It will happen again and a lot more frequently if you don’t rush and force the issue. Your partner may be frustrated and you will be too but he won’t thank you for carrying on if you are in a lot of pain. Do something else for one another until you feel like trying again. We are all different but if you are ready and you take your time then it probably won’t hurt as much as you dread. Perhaps the best way to think of this is like the very first time. You may be tender and if you are anxious then parts of you will probably feel tense. There is always the option of getting a bit tipsy and letting it help you relax. You probably won’t need much if you have been abstaining for nine plus months. But if you’re breast-feeding this can be tricky timing wise, you know how often your baby needs feeding.
And because you are a woman not only are you fretting over yourself you are also just as concerned if not more concerned by the question - How will it feel for you and him? Has the big squeeze made your alley slack? Crude, but a real worry. Well sorry to say but yes, you are going to be different, no point lying as you wouldn’t believe us if we did. Will he notice, you can answer that yourself as some men really wouldn’t while others certainly do but that doesn’t matter because you are the only women he wants to be with and he will have been expecting it. This isn’t an excuse to let it stay that way and we are back to pelvic floor aren’t we. Time will be a healer but why not help it along. If this is a concern you just can’t bring yourself to consider then stick to non penetrative sex for a bit longer and perhaps make sure the lights are out for a bit.
And after all that he shot his loads quicker than John Wayne and you weren’t even close. Well you can hardly blame him because he has been going without for a while now and even if he is pleasuring himself it just isn’t the same and the whole experience with you will have got him worked up. If you happen to have a virile young thing that will be ready again in five minutes, you may need to wait a while to try again. Even then you probably won’t orgasm. Mother nature doesn’t seem to have her of feminism. This is often due to the fact that our orgasms are linked to our emotions and are not simply a physical response and as we are told from that naughty first joke that on average women take a lot longer to warm up and you may not be able to find time.
When you do decide that it is time to go all the way then there are products out there to make it easier. Lubricant helps because it allows him to slide in and avoid any areas that are still healing to be protected a little. There are some more sensual products too. Don’t forget that if you are using condoms then oil-based lubricants will weaken the latex and reduce their effectiveness (unless they say otherwise) and you are more fertile so unless you want to take the risk, stick to purpose made lubricants. Liquid Silk is excellent and Durex make a good range too. Their Heat doesn’t seem to do much of anything heat wise but if you are sensitive this may not be the best one to start with. There is the old favourite KY but it lacks the sex appeal of others. The cheapest lubricant that is in ready supply is saliva. Saliva can be acidic and so if you are still a bit raw than you might want to avoid this until you are sure it won’t irritate, similarly if you aren’t concerned by the issue of oil based lubricants then don’t forget that perfumed lubricants like some massage oils may also irritate. There may well be cuts that you don’t know about further inside you and these may be irritated when you first try. Many women are much dryer after too so if you are feeling very dry then it might be worth discussing oestrogen cream with your GP. This is sometimes use by women who have been on HRT as it can help when there is a prolonged hormone issue. If it makes you more comfortable then it is worth a visit.
Will it hurt? Probably. No matter which way you gave birth you have probably not had sex for a while and you may well be tense, these combined with the physical trauma you have experienced will mean that you are tender and more delicate. Many women find that they are dryer than before, once again lubricants are not just fun but in these circumstances necessary for you to be able to relax and enjoy the experience. If it is painful you are allowed to say stop, slow down, get out and let’s try it another way. Don’t carry on because you feel any obligation. It will happen again and a lot more frequently if you don’t rush and force the issue. Your partner may be frustrated and you will be too but he won’t thank you for carrying on if you are in a lot of pain. Do something else for one another until you feel like trying again. We are all different but if you are ready and you take your time then it probably won’t hurt as much as you dread. Perhaps the best way to think of this is like the very first time. You may be tender and if you are anxious then parts of you will probably feel tense. There is always the option of getting a bit tipsy and letting it help you relax. You probably won’t need much if you have been abstaining for nine plus months. But if you’re breast-feeding this can be tricky timing wise, you know how often your baby needs feeding.
And because you are a woman not only are you fretting over yourself you are also just as concerned if not more concerned by the question - How will it feel for you and him? Has the big squeeze made your alley slack? Crude, but a real worry. Well sorry to say but yes, you are going to be different, no point lying as you wouldn’t believe us if we did. Will he notice, you can answer that yourself as some men really wouldn’t while others certainly do but that doesn’t matter because you are the only women he wants to be with and he will have been expecting it. This isn’t an excuse to let it stay that way and we are back to pelvic floor aren’t we. Time will be a healer but why not help it along. If this is a concern you just can’t bring yourself to consider then stick to non penetrative sex for a bit longer and perhaps make sure the lights are out for a bit.
And after all that he shot his loads quicker than John Wayne and you weren’t even close. Well you can hardly blame him because he has been going without for a while now and even if he is pleasuring himself it just isn’t the same and the whole experience with you will have got him worked up. If you happen to have a virile young thing that will be ready again in five minutes, you may need to wait a while to try again. Even then you probably won’t orgasm. Mother nature doesn’t seem to have her of feminism. This is often due to the fact that our orgasms are linked to our emotions and are not simply a physical response and as we are told from that naughty first joke that on average women take a lot longer to warm up and you may not be able to find time.
And here comes the science bit
Pelvic exercise is a good idea for any woman, but it will not just build those muscles it will also build your confidence. There is a natural fear that you are bigger down there and whether you are or not there is no harm in being able to control this area. Not least because when you sneeze you don’t want to have to rely on Tenna Lady forever or risk your tampon flying out.
How do you do them, well - squeeze like you are pulling a poo back in.
Repeat ten times
then hold one for ten seconds.
To see how effective yours are try stopping your flow of wee next time you take a piddle.
How do you do them, well - squeeze like you are pulling a poo back in.
Repeat ten times
then hold one for ten seconds.
To see how effective yours are try stopping your flow of wee next time you take a piddle.
It's natural to dislike your partner
Lots of couples find this beginning stage of parenthood one of the most trying and difficult experiences of their entire relationship. Who ever put round the idea that having children cements your relationship was not living in our century. Let’s face it you have been under a lot of stress, lack of sleep and a barrage of emotions. Once the adrenalin rush of a new baby has faded and the realisation that you may not get a full nights sleep for perhaps another year or so creeps in who can you dispel your fears and anger on. Naturally your nearest and dearest. You don’t want to get frustrated with your baby so your partner it the obvious choice and he may be doing the same. This means the squabbles and bickering can really get you down. Depending where he falls on the wonderful scale you could find yourself contemplating life as a single parent and wishing he would let you get on with it to the temptation to leave the baby with him all weekend so he understands what you are doing every day of the week either way, sex isn’t your priority. But here’s where it can be the most fun. Why not try a kiss instead of eyeing him up as the bastard that got you into this.
You’re absorbed in so many things that don’t relate to one another expect through your child and as massive as that is, it isn’t enough to make you like each other. You do love him; somewhere in all the irritating advice he seems to have gained from nowhere which fluctuates with a sudden and complete lack interest in the baby’s routine, is a man you have had some good times with and you will again. A choice here could be that you can just use him sexually, make sure you get what you want and don’t worry about if you have had a civil conversation this week.
It may seem like you spend none of your time together so the advice to take some time apart is misplaced but this is meant to be some advice to get out, without the baby. He fell in love with you because of the person you were without the baby. (He is in love with you now because he loves you and not because you have his baby) So get out and remind yourself of who she is, even if you only manage a swift half in your local do it, make all those other mums you’ve met at baby sing-a long to come with you, talk about babies for half of your time and then talk about your first job, your first boyfriend, your first driving test, anything that is pre baby. When you get back and see him with refreshed eyes you may like him a little bit more, and even if you don’t at least you like yourself a whole lot more. You may find that if he gets turn to do this then it will also make you appreciate each other more. Having a baby can mean you become too focused on being in with the baby and forgetting all that life has to offer. He may be craving a night out with the lads and if you suggest it not only can you ensure you have some mates of your own coming round but you look like the most amazing wife/girlfriend ever. This should also contribute to him seeing you as Ms wonderful the whole night long and well into the next day and if you are lucky week. Remember that he will probably drink too much and will be next to useless all night long and the next day. If you tell yourself this is okay then it might be, prepare, have a place to go without him, get your best friend or mum round to help out for that morning; anything to stop you having to listen to him moan or snore or both.
And when you find someone you trust to look after your little one for an hour or two go out together. A walk to the shops holding hands and baby free can do wonders. The routine can be put on hold for one evening once in while and even though it may break your heart each time you hear them cry because they aren’t being held by you, they will survive it. So easy to say and so very hard to do but your child deserves the very best and happy parents do a much better job then irritated, angry and frustrated ones.
You’re absorbed in so many things that don’t relate to one another expect through your child and as massive as that is, it isn’t enough to make you like each other. You do love him; somewhere in all the irritating advice he seems to have gained from nowhere which fluctuates with a sudden and complete lack interest in the baby’s routine, is a man you have had some good times with and you will again. A choice here could be that you can just use him sexually, make sure you get what you want and don’t worry about if you have had a civil conversation this week.
It may seem like you spend none of your time together so the advice to take some time apart is misplaced but this is meant to be some advice to get out, without the baby. He fell in love with you because of the person you were without the baby. (He is in love with you now because he loves you and not because you have his baby) So get out and remind yourself of who she is, even if you only manage a swift half in your local do it, make all those other mums you’ve met at baby sing-a long to come with you, talk about babies for half of your time and then talk about your first job, your first boyfriend, your first driving test, anything that is pre baby. When you get back and see him with refreshed eyes you may like him a little bit more, and even if you don’t at least you like yourself a whole lot more. You may find that if he gets turn to do this then it will also make you appreciate each other more. Having a baby can mean you become too focused on being in with the baby and forgetting all that life has to offer. He may be craving a night out with the lads and if you suggest it not only can you ensure you have some mates of your own coming round but you look like the most amazing wife/girlfriend ever. This should also contribute to him seeing you as Ms wonderful the whole night long and well into the next day and if you are lucky week. Remember that he will probably drink too much and will be next to useless all night long and the next day. If you tell yourself this is okay then it might be, prepare, have a place to go without him, get your best friend or mum round to help out for that morning; anything to stop you having to listen to him moan or snore or both.
And when you find someone you trust to look after your little one for an hour or two go out together. A walk to the shops holding hands and baby free can do wonders. The routine can be put on hold for one evening once in while and even though it may break your heart each time you hear them cry because they aren’t being held by you, they will survive it. So easy to say and so very hard to do but your child deserves the very best and happy parents do a much better job then irritated, angry and frustrated ones.
A year on
One of the biggest differences now is most likely the frequency you get to make love. If you are able to the advice is simple, do it as often as you get the chance. Obviously there shouldn't be any pressure on you to do this however it will feel good.
The magic hour when the baby is actually asleep and you feel like you can just about manage watching Eastenders it is worth remembering that it will be repeated at 10 and you can do something else. And lets face it you'll only miss the first ten minutes.
A friend recently confessed that she hadn't 'done it' and it was over a year. I don't know why but she said she was going to text me once she had. This gave her the notion that she should do it. And I agree with her. Your relationship should be about all sorts of things and sex should be part of that.
She text me about a week later. I smiled!
The magic hour when the baby is actually asleep and you feel like you can just about manage watching Eastenders it is worth remembering that it will be repeated at 10 and you can do something else. And lets face it you'll only miss the first ten minutes.
A friend recently confessed that she hadn't 'done it' and it was over a year. I don't know why but she said she was going to text me once she had. This gave her the notion that she should do it. And I agree with her. Your relationship should be about all sorts of things and sex should be part of that.
She text me about a week later. I smiled!
Dads
Traditionally we are told that men want sex all the time or so the thinking goes but it’s ok if you aren’t sure if you want to do it. There are several reasons why you might not and it is more common than you may think. The best thing to do it talk about it and see if she shares your concerns. You have just had a baby together and so whether you like it or not you are going to have to converse over a number of issues, if you haven’t shared before now is as good a time as any to start.
We have spoken to a few men on this topic and have been pleased to discover that most of you are sensitive and understanding and are more than prepared to wait for as long as it takes.
If you have been waiting for a long time, well done. How can you make her feel loved, secure and desirable? You may think that having a baby with her would have that security but having a baby does all sorts to a woman hormonally and although you’ve probably been hearing that all your life it isn’t an excuse. Emotionally she needs you just as much as that little baby you both made. Ways to win the best partner in the world award include; make breakfast in bed; take the baby out for a walk without mum, tell her she looks stunning, do the morning nappy with fuss or question. All these things serve to make her feel loved and wanted.
Decide, what do you want out of this new relationship. If you are content to wait and take it at her pace then fine. Maybe you need to speed things along or at least initiate the conversation about when you will both be ready. Chances are that you have gone back to work, you get the head space to leave baby world behind and this is very important for both of you. The result is that you can see a little more clearly at times, don’t go getting any funny ideas that you are right, men never are remember, but it is true that you can see some of the problems arising. If necessary you should be thinking of ways to help your partner get the headspace she needs to. Somehow you need to find a way to go out together, without the baby. For some people that is a lot easier said than done but try, you’ll all benefit from it.
The likely hood of you getting your end away is going to be greatly reduced if she is warmed up. Romance may feel like a lot of effort for a very tired man to muster but give it a go. You know what she likes what will make her feel special. One woman felt that the most romantic thing her man could do was buy her chocolate on his way home from work, this meant getting off the bus one stop earlier but that extra bit of effort made her feel loved and spoilt. Many others went the traditional route of flowers but all women agreed that well chosen and sincere compliments were a real turn on. Perhaps you could text her during the day not asking a bout the baby but about her and let her know that she is wonderful. You are both going through a massive change in your lives and it is understandable that it is very easy to forget one another in the process. By spending a little of your time concentrating on your relationship with each other you can build on this experience. Don’t panic if you resent the baby a little bit for taking away your freedom, partner and life. They say Dada first for a reason, to get you on side and remind you that you are just as important as mum and they need you. When all these factors come together and you get the time, you’re not exhausted and the visitors have gone then make your move, be it the talk, the massage oil or the wink wink…
When you do get the chance, take it nice and slow. She will be nervous about the changes to her body and you don’t want this first chance taken up with ooh, ow, no, stop. There may be some false starts too, the baby might wake, she may not want to go all the way but patience will be the virtue you both need. Let her be in control at first because it is important that this is as enjoyable as possible. Please be advised that it is best not to squeeze her boobs. If your partner has been or is still breast-feeding then this area of their body has a new function and not one they are associating with sex. Their nipples may not as sensitive as they once were, don’t let the yells of ooh, oww when a little tooth from your beloved child bites down, fool you into thinking they are. Giving them an attentive fondle may result in a fair amount of milk coming out too. But this doesn’t mean you leave that area alone completely and treat it as if it has disappeared completely. Gentle kisses around the area and soft nuzzling can me very nice. Just don’t suck.
We have spoken to a few men on this topic and have been pleased to discover that most of you are sensitive and understanding and are more than prepared to wait for as long as it takes.
If you have been waiting for a long time, well done. How can you make her feel loved, secure and desirable? You may think that having a baby with her would have that security but having a baby does all sorts to a woman hormonally and although you’ve probably been hearing that all your life it isn’t an excuse. Emotionally she needs you just as much as that little baby you both made. Ways to win the best partner in the world award include; make breakfast in bed; take the baby out for a walk without mum, tell her she looks stunning, do the morning nappy with fuss or question. All these things serve to make her feel loved and wanted.
Decide, what do you want out of this new relationship. If you are content to wait and take it at her pace then fine. Maybe you need to speed things along or at least initiate the conversation about when you will both be ready. Chances are that you have gone back to work, you get the head space to leave baby world behind and this is very important for both of you. The result is that you can see a little more clearly at times, don’t go getting any funny ideas that you are right, men never are remember, but it is true that you can see some of the problems arising. If necessary you should be thinking of ways to help your partner get the headspace she needs to. Somehow you need to find a way to go out together, without the baby. For some people that is a lot easier said than done but try, you’ll all benefit from it.
The likely hood of you getting your end away is going to be greatly reduced if she is warmed up. Romance may feel like a lot of effort for a very tired man to muster but give it a go. You know what she likes what will make her feel special. One woman felt that the most romantic thing her man could do was buy her chocolate on his way home from work, this meant getting off the bus one stop earlier but that extra bit of effort made her feel loved and spoilt. Many others went the traditional route of flowers but all women agreed that well chosen and sincere compliments were a real turn on. Perhaps you could text her during the day not asking a bout the baby but about her and let her know that she is wonderful. You are both going through a massive change in your lives and it is understandable that it is very easy to forget one another in the process. By spending a little of your time concentrating on your relationship with each other you can build on this experience. Don’t panic if you resent the baby a little bit for taking away your freedom, partner and life. They say Dada first for a reason, to get you on side and remind you that you are just as important as mum and they need you. When all these factors come together and you get the time, you’re not exhausted and the visitors have gone then make your move, be it the talk, the massage oil or the wink wink…
When you do get the chance, take it nice and slow. She will be nervous about the changes to her body and you don’t want this first chance taken up with ooh, ow, no, stop. There may be some false starts too, the baby might wake, she may not want to go all the way but patience will be the virtue you both need. Let her be in control at first because it is important that this is as enjoyable as possible. Please be advised that it is best not to squeeze her boobs. If your partner has been or is still breast-feeding then this area of their body has a new function and not one they are associating with sex. Their nipples may not as sensitive as they once were, don’t let the yells of ooh, oww when a little tooth from your beloved child bites down, fool you into thinking they are. Giving them an attentive fondle may result in a fair amount of milk coming out too. But this doesn’t mean you leave that area alone completely and treat it as if it has disappeared completely. Gentle kisses around the area and soft nuzzling can me very nice. Just don’t suck.
A Word To The Wise (Baby number two – not yet)
Your health visitor has probably made it clear that you can still get pregnant, even if you are breast-feeding. Unfair as it may seem some women get their period even when they are fully breast feeding, so you don’t know if at any given moment you have started to ovulated and the word on the street is that after you have had a baby you are even more fertile (we may get round to checking the facts of that).
So as far as contraception is concerned the options are almost the same as they have been but you may feel differently now. Perhaps it’s particularly important now that you do not have another baby. So this may be a little bit of a cop out but the best thing to do is see your GP or health visitor. You need to find out what options you have and your GP will have your medical history. For some women going on the pill will be the best choice for others having a coil fitted is ideal but maybe you will stick to condoms or the rhythm method. If you are breast feeding check that you can take the type of pill you were on before. Using a diaphragm should wait until you have had your six week check too. Which ever form you decide upon make sure it fits into the new life that you have. If you do choose condoms perhaps it’s worth keeping a pencil case or tin with a few in and a small tub of lubricant (not oil based) in the room you are most likely to get lucky in. This way if your sweet innocent child is content in their crib and you are downstairs you won’t have to sneak in to get supplies and risk waking them up.
If you want to have another baby then you shouldn’t really be wasting your time reading this bit, just get on with trying again.
So as far as contraception is concerned the options are almost the same as they have been but you may feel differently now. Perhaps it’s particularly important now that you do not have another baby. So this may be a little bit of a cop out but the best thing to do is see your GP or health visitor. You need to find out what options you have and your GP will have your medical history. For some women going on the pill will be the best choice for others having a coil fitted is ideal but maybe you will stick to condoms or the rhythm method. If you are breast feeding check that you can take the type of pill you were on before. Using a diaphragm should wait until you have had your six week check too. Which ever form you decide upon make sure it fits into the new life that you have. If you do choose condoms perhaps it’s worth keeping a pencil case or tin with a few in and a small tub of lubricant (not oil based) in the room you are most likely to get lucky in. This way if your sweet innocent child is content in their crib and you are downstairs you won’t have to sneak in to get supplies and risk waking them up.
If you want to have another baby then you shouldn’t really be wasting your time reading this bit, just get on with trying again.
What Puts You Off
With most exercise, you can put off sex because lots of little things get in the way. We’ve looked at your feelings about your own body but you may also be put off his.
Your partners apparent laziness can also be a massive turn off, you think to yourself, if the opportunity arises tonight I’m going in for the kill only to be struck down by him arriving home just in time to miss bath time, putting his coat on a chair, getting undressed in the bath room and leaving his dirty socks on the floor and ‘making a quick sandwich’ while you finish tea and then makes a phenomenal amount of mess while doing it. You think, screw him he can do the sodding washing up after all; I’m not going to seduce the dirty pig. .
He farts, Baby Blues can affect any woman, no matter how much support she is getting and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Naturally if you are feeling depressed then you won’t be thinking about sex, much.
Give yourself and him a break, as silly as it sounds consider booking the time in.
Send a text to say "I want you to kiss me tonight."
I've learnt over the years that I have to tell my partner exactly what I want to ever know I'll get it, be that a birthday cake, a surprise party, a kiss at the weekend or time by myself.
If he is putting you off then tell him. Nicely, which is perhaps saying, I find you most attractive when you notice me.
Your partners apparent laziness can also be a massive turn off, you think to yourself, if the opportunity arises tonight I’m going in for the kill only to be struck down by him arriving home just in time to miss bath time, putting his coat on a chair, getting undressed in the bath room and leaving his dirty socks on the floor and ‘making a quick sandwich’ while you finish tea and then makes a phenomenal amount of mess while doing it. You think, screw him he can do the sodding washing up after all; I’m not going to seduce the dirty pig. .
He farts, Baby Blues can affect any woman, no matter how much support she is getting and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Naturally if you are feeling depressed then you won’t be thinking about sex, much.
Give yourself and him a break, as silly as it sounds consider booking the time in.
Send a text to say "I want you to kiss me tonight."
I've learnt over the years that I have to tell my partner exactly what I want to ever know I'll get it, be that a birthday cake, a surprise party, a kiss at the weekend or time by myself.
If he is putting you off then tell him. Nicely, which is perhaps saying, I find you most attractive when you notice me.
But he doesn’t want me
You feel like your new role has meant that he can’t see you as anything other than the mother of your child and this may even be true but you will be able to remind him of who else you can be.
He may be trying to be supportive and make sure he isn’t applying any pressure or rushing you into doing anything to upset you. (Your partner may just be knackered)
Relationships are complex things and never as easy as we would like them to be. Are you being too subtle, just like the way men don’t notice when a towel needs washing they can often mistake your signals as something altogether more platonic. If you suspect this is the case then you will need to be a more obvious about it. If the tender kisses on his neck haven’t done the trick then stroke his thigh while you’re doing it, whisper something that will turn his head.
Talk about it.
Talking to one another can sometime be too awkward even if he has watched you giving birth. Perhaps you should write down what you want to say, not only does this help you formulate your thoughts it could be a very romantic letter that could lead to you getting exactly what you want.
Writing it down doesn’t mean he has to see what you have written as you may realise that what you need to tell him is actually straight forward and isn’t as intimidating as you anticipated. Chances are he’ll be relived that you are on your way to discussing it and then some action.
He may be trying to be supportive and make sure he isn’t applying any pressure or rushing you into doing anything to upset you. (Your partner may just be knackered)
Relationships are complex things and never as easy as we would like them to be. Are you being too subtle, just like the way men don’t notice when a towel needs washing they can often mistake your signals as something altogether more platonic. If you suspect this is the case then you will need to be a more obvious about it. If the tender kisses on his neck haven’t done the trick then stroke his thigh while you’re doing it, whisper something that will turn his head.
Talk about it.
Talking to one another can sometime be too awkward even if he has watched you giving birth. Perhaps you should write down what you want to say, not only does this help you formulate your thoughts it could be a very romantic letter that could lead to you getting exactly what you want.
Writing it down doesn’t mean he has to see what you have written as you may realise that what you need to tell him is actually straight forward and isn’t as intimidating as you anticipated. Chances are he’ll be relived that you are on your way to discussing it and then some action.
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